flatlined.

one random day last week there was a big thunderstorm. i had just left my dorm room for the bus stop when the rain started to come down, but i didnt think itd be too bad so i didnt go back for my umbrella. but after 15 minutes of waiting for the bus, the lightning was starting and i was soaked through. a girl came up to me and said, “we can share my umbrella.” it was so nice of her. we talked in korean for a little while and then finally our bus came. 

i wonder if these kinds of little things happened to me in DC or if im just noticing them now because im “in korea.” like, all of a sudden the small details of every day are shiny and bright because im not at home. i hope that i can take this awareness of life back to the US with me. 

im supposed to be studying for midterms, but im not. i watched a movie, cut my nails, facebook stalked, and now im blogging, all in an attempt to procrastinate. for some reason, trying to study is making me sad—not bored, not frustrated, not annoyed—just sad. looking at my review sheet makes me depressed. maybe its a weird homesick thing? im not sure.

in any case, this is making me nervous about winter break. its two months long. theres no way ill be able to handle all the alone time ill have. im going to try and travel a little, but… i guess i have my own reasons for being apprehensive about leaving korea for too long.

molasses brain

everyone was busy on friday, and classes were cancelled, so i went to hangang park to kill some time before the whole panini-for-dinner-in-front-of-my-computer thing started. the park actually consists of a few different subway stops along both sides of the han river, and ferries connect the different sections. the subway ride was almost 45 minutes, and i got to sit which was nice. 

when i got to the park it was windy and cold, i had forgotten that its always more windy by the water. i should have brought a jacket. i walked around and took pictures. after awhile i felt kind of dumb by myself since everyone was in groups or couples, so i sat on some stairs and took out my textbook. it reminded me of when i went to the jefferson memorial by myself last year on the day before my birthday. i had sat on the stairs that day, watched the wedding photos being taken and the kids running all over, and just let my brain wander around. so i did the same for awhile at hangang park until it got too cold. i went into the cafe and sat, again with my textbook to prevent me from feeling pathetic for sitting there by myself. i started to feel lonely after awhile so i finished my chocolate milk and left.

i enjoyed the long subway ride back. i figure while im here im going to have to do a lot of wandering around by myself, so i should get used to it. its not too bad. i like being able to keep my ipod on for a four-hour block without interruptions. every time the song changes, my train of thought does too, on this slow path controlled by my playlists.

jazz bars and seashells on strings

i spent the past chuseok holiday weekend in pusan with my friend and her family. chuseok is the harvest moon festival, commonly called “korean thanksgiving.” im really lucky because i got to take part in a traditional ceremony where family members offer food and bow to their ancestors. i also got to “eat luck,” which is when you eat some of the food from the table after the ghosts have had their share. 

pusan is beautiful. most of all, it smells clean. sinchon, where my school is, smells like sewage and stale beer most of the time, probably because its such a crowded college area. but pusan’s air smells like.. i dont know. it doesnt smell like anything really, which is a good thing. also, seeing the beach again made my heart stop. something about water makes me so happy.

i think taking a week off from seoul was just what i needed. and coming back, i feel like ive turned to a new page in my life here. i know that sounds stupid.. ive only been here for a month and a half. but i realized that i am a creature of forgiveness. my mind is wired to forgive and forget, to accept apologies and listen. i finally let myself do that after a month of torture. when i try to hold grudges or maintain anger, it only makes my head spin. 

i tried very hard to have some pride. i felt a bit ashamed, afraid that other people would think im a pushover, but ultimately i cannot remain aloof for very long. i give in very easily, and being that way makes me happy. it takes too much effort to hate. even right now it sounds like im making a case for myself, doesnt it? trying to prove to everyone that im not foolish—or maybe i am, but its what i choose.

——

“or perhaps it is truer that forgiveness is inexhaustible, that it is miraculously depthless and renewing as long as you so wish it, no matter what has become of it, no matter how residual and meager.”

—a gesture life, chang-rae lee